"Brad"

SO I am really excited about the recent Anthony Kiedis announcement of a new Chili Peppers album to come out right around *THIS GIRL*'s birthday. Boo yah. Dr. Johnny Skinz's Disproportionately Rambunctious Polar Express Machine-head

I'm reading Scar Tissue right now, on the recommendation of my good pal Eric, and it is awesome, which is why I can't stop listening to old RHCP lately and or talking about Anthony Kiedis. Ask me anything about Anthony Kiedis and I will creepily recite facts at you. There are few bands I feel this strongly about. Seeing RHCP at Penn State my sophomore year of college was one of my top 5 concerts ever. Such a story behind that concert and how I came to finally be in its attendance.... lol. (ok whatever sometimes a grown ass girl has to throw a temper tantrum in the middle of a farm party to get everyone's sympathy and prove her point.)

But it all worked out in the end ( ... for everyone but Braham.)

By the Way had just come out, which is arguably my favorite Chili Peppers album... up there with Blood Sugar Sex Magik and Californication. It was so important to me in that time and space and I can still play it in its entirety today. So as my side of the story goes, Braham was stricken with the plague, by Jesus, for omitting me from his large Chili Peppers ticket purchase (2003, not over it yet lol) and our friend "Brad" got to go in his place a few hours before doors. We pregamed at my friend Erica's, we all rolled in as Queens of the Stone Age (2nd opener) was ending their set all boisterously with No One Knows and we are like 9 people deep and 7,584 red bull and vodkas deep and only missing a few friends, including my good friend "Brad"who was already inside....


Now you should know right now that 9 times out of 10 I am not this girl. I am perfectly content at a concert as long as I can see and hear and have a little space to bop around. But I lead everyone through the crowd on the floor; pretending I was returning to my rightful, earned, camped out, Paternovilled position; calling out "Braddd!"and not really actively looking for Brad at all.

I get right up to the gates, front row. Who do I see dead in front of me? F*cking B-rad. Unbelievable. "I wasn't even really looking for you, dude." I watched the whole show pressed against the gates with 9 of my best college buddies and they played every song I wanted to hear. It could have only been improved with the addition of tube socks. It was awesome.

At some point I think my other friend "Dan" convinced me to get on his shoulders and flash Flea, (which I was later called out on by a classmate who was also at the show, which was NOT embarassing.) Two enthusiastic thumbs up. Hope I get to see them again this summer!

BEATS 101

Maybe it's because I used to teach fitness classes in college and took hip hop and other styles of dance but hot damn do I appreciate a beat at 100+ bpm. For this reason I am the member of an elite BEATS sharing email list serv. The list serv is so elite that I can't even tell you much about it. There are three other members besides myself and you can't join. You can also get kicked off the list serv for not contributing enough BEATS (Fetz). The BEATS listserv is all about a toe-tapping, fist-pumping good time. Also I used to live on the Jersey Shore. True story.

Most hipsters don't like beats unless you count Disco Biscuits: 

Or maybe this guy. I can see him doing an inverted fist pump:

Assuming you are new to beats here is some beats 101. These are like, beats with training wheels. You can't just drink a sip of Ron Ron juice and be a guid overnight. Please......

DAFT PUNK: is playing at my house, my house. 

TIESTO: Oh how I miss that semester in Barcelona.... le sigh.



KYLIE: I loved you since the locomotion.

And of course, one of the greatest music videos and beats of all time - ERIC PRYDZ: I told you I taught fitness in college.

Give Me Awards.

So since I got sucked in and watched the whole thing I have some closing thoughts about the Grammys before I move on with my life:

• Best dressed: 3. Miley, 2. Selena Gomez, 1. Cee Lo Green.
• BIGGEST SUPRISE - BRUNO MARS actually has a big ole voice in him. He should have put out that doo woppy version of Grenade, that was enjoyable.
• Way to remember the words Xtina. American Idol still beasted you. 
• All eyez were on GAGA. I'm glad she delivered once again a solid LIVE vocal. And yes I think it sounds like Express Yourself. I think it's supposed to. If she was trying to be ambiguous about paying tribute to Madonna she would have been a littlleee bit more subtle about it. Plus Madonna already called Gaga and said she loved it, Rolling Stone liked it, read Perez. Gah! 
• And the vessel thing wasn't as weird as I thought she was gonna be; that actually looked awesome. POLL: If you're Lady Gaga in that egg (IT'S A VESSEL!!) are you napping or playing angry birds? 
• BIEBER FEVER. I HAVE IT. DEAL WITH IT! HE WAS ROBBED?!?! ! WHO IS ESPERANZA?!?!?! WHO IS SHE??!?!?! 
• Cee Lo + Puppets made my night. Gwennie wasn't as bad as I thought but I still think she was unnecessary. 
• Best award acceptance quip of the night = Matthew Bellamy on Kate Hudson: "I'd also like to thank UMMMMM my beautiful.... pregnant girlfriend over there (awkward laughter and head scratching)"
• I hate most country music with a few random exceptions. That doesn't mean I get what just happened with Lady Antebellum. Dannnnnnngg. I reckon even I have to admit that song is catchy as all hell. It's a quaaarrttterrrrr afterrrrr ONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
• What do you think Jada Pinkett and Will Smith do with their untalented children? Drop them in West Philly to fend for themselves? Because Willow Smith is like 20 months old and she and her brother are adorable and he's up there pop and locking at the Grammy's. How cute was that?
• That rap jawn was explosive. Eminem was awesome. Dr. Dre was awesome. Rihanna can sing her ass off. Drake was awesome. Awesome.
• I want Mick Jagger's EMERALD coat. MINE!
• HOLY SHIT MOMENT: BOB DYLAN, MUMFORD AND SONS AND AVETT BROTHERS 
• THIS JUST IN: BOB DYLAN, MUMFORD AND SONS AND AVETT BROTHERS FORM NEW SUPER GROUP CALLING NO FOLKING WAY!
• I HATE Katy Perry. People think I should like her but she really irritates me. 1. She was rude to Kara DiaGuardi when she guest judged on Idol 2. She's not really that great at singing. 3 and 4 She is pretty and I will still dance to her with fury when Firework comes on, phhhine. But I don't like her and you can't make me even if she makes me dance sometimes on accident...........
• Last but not least, Arcade Fire. OOOOOOOOO.M.G. The Suburbs deserved Album of the Year more than anyone but I really didn't see that coming! I sat there and started hopping in my seat and clapping all Paul Abdul/seal-like (the animal NOT the awesome singer) when they did that encore- trying to figure out if they were supposed to do that. O Hey, now, rocknroll ;) Whether you are new or oldly acquainted to Arcade Fire, please enjoy this. Regardless I leave you with this:

Back to SUPER groups

If I had to pick a close 2nd to Them Crooked Vultures, it would be The Dead Weather.

Pleading Neo-Gonzo journalism, I shall now cite WIKIPEDIA!!!:

The Dead Weather is an American alternative rock supergroup formed in Nashville, Tennessee in 2009. Composed of Alison Mosshart (of The Kills and Discount), Jack White (of The White Stripes and The Raconteurs), Dean Fertita (of Queens of the Stone Age) and Jack Lawrence (of The Raconteurs and The Greenhornes)[1],

We already know how I feel about Miss Mosshart. Likewise, I think Jack White is a genius. A creepy genius who likes taxidermy-raccoons but a genuis NONETHELESS! I love that he switches it up as the drummer in this SUPER group and Horehound, as a whole, is a great album. It's like a spooky, garage-y, at times goth, blues, rock and roll joint. It's absolutely filthy. I love it.

On a side note, I feel like they should start making SUPERs of other things besides bands... like super CHEESES: Get Brie and Buffalo Mozzarel and Aged Smoked Gouda together and say like HEY we're a new SUPER cheese, rehearsals are on Thursdays! Our new SUPERcheese name is The OOC RIDICULOUS.

I would buy that cheese's album. Fo sho.

Vanilla Ice and girls in camo on a stage in Erie, PA on a Thursday at 9 pm

The aforementioned would be a "Block Party."

I would like to talk about Bloc Party because unlike the already aforeaforementioned it makes me want to dance. My friend Julie brought them to my attention a few years ago and I saw them royally dominate Lollapalooza a few years after that. Citing influences such as The Cure, Joy Division, Song Youth and Radiohead I'm not shocked I like them. Plus they're British. Sooooo.. Cute, funny accents and stuff...

(ps - go back....Not that it wasn't cool when Vanilla Ice performed Ninja Rap and invited Northwestern PA's finest women on stage to shake their muffin tops... that actually entertained me.)

Silent alarm is one of my favorite albums and this is one of my favorite songs:



I don't know where the hell they went though I'm worried they broke up... No one has seen or heard of them in like 2 or 3 years. I feel like putting them on a milk carton just to make a point.



sorry for partying.

Showing up in the 4th quarter

So I really like Local Natives. They're very cool, very harmonious and L.A. and it makes me happy. But I also didn't know who they were like 6 months ago. My friends played Gorilla Manor for me at Happy Hour in the Fall and I had a few other credible persons tell me to check them out...Time out and P.S. If there's one thing that's disgustingly UN-hipsterlike it's being tardy for the party (I hate you Kim Zolciak. You stop singing immediately!!!! I hope your babies look like monkeys....)

You like that Romy and Michelle jawn? I thought you would...








lol.

"I'm Marina. You are the Diamonds"

I really regret not seeing Marina and the Diamonds when she came to World Cafe Live last year....

Marina is like a new wave, more vocally-blessed Gwen Stefani vomitting up a florescent, checkered flock of seagulls. She doesn't give a *WHAT!* either. I feel like she could hang out with me and my girlfriends from home and get super weird and creep around the bar with us telling people she's going to KUNISSS them and waving her arms like Black Swan wings. (What? It's super fun....)

Marina would be down. Love her. When asked in an interview to describe her fashion style in three words, Diamandis said "vintage, cheerleader, cartoon." - Proof that pop music can be for hipsters.When it's pop music that likes to get WEIRD.

Things that I should have just crammed into the GLEE post...

Since you have now been officially made aware that I do have a tiny centimeter of a gay man in my musical taste buds (that's what she said?)

(what?....sorry.)

But anyways, like I said, since you already know I'm a fucking nerd I might as well get all the skeletons out of my closet right meow:

I HEREBY ENJOY THE FOLLOWING!!!

1.) ALL SONGS BY MUPPETS!!! Jim Henson thank you for poisoning my mind with your furry, satirical little monsters. You are by far my favorite puppeteer. I used to wait tables with a guy who had a Muppet tattoo of all the Muppets that took up his whole leg and I played in a band with a guy who had created his own "muppet"-esque tv program that he recorded with his (now) fiance. So don't act like I'm the only person who loved Muppets. It's not that creepy. Actually you're some kind of sick pervert if you DON'T like Muppets. Suck on that.

And honestly it's sad because I know all the words to these songs in the place of other important things like capitols of nations and when wars were and where I left your hoodie. This especially sucks since hipsters are expected to read obscure books and magazines in order to effectively KNOW everything... ugh! No time...

2.) SHOWTUNES

When I was in high school I wanted to go to college for musical theater and I think my parents laughed at me and told me to get a real job, which, you know, didn't really happen anyways....






3.ANYTHING FOR SELENAAAASSSSS (R.I.P, girlfriend)





Hmm maybe I'm embarassing myself now?

...are ya listenin'? In the lane, American Apparel tights are glistenin'

When you're listening to a song and the description of said song reads "epic (demo) track from the hottest Brooklyn electro duo of the moment" you are for sure genetically half hipster. Especially if you just read that on Pitchfork. Yep. Dirty hipster.Your indie-fashions-wearing mother hung up her ironic messenger bag and her non-black fedora, sold out, married your number crunching, bald, tax-filing father and they had you. Congratufuckinglations.

Don't try to turn this first track down because the distortion is intentional (oooooooh - ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, cue hipster salivation). In other news, sorry I'm not sorry I like Sleigh Bells.

GLEEK THE F OUT!

Things you should know about me before this post:

a.) I love cheese. All kinds of cheese. My best friend and I used to have a system of rating men by comparing them to a scale of increasingly fine cheeses.

b.) I took voice lessons for like 12 years and my first big role in a musical was "Cheerleader #2" in a grade school production of "Sis! Boom! Bah!" In fact, (and I type this while wearing jeggings and a skull print cotton t from Urban Outfitters so bear with me), I revert to a NKOTB-crazed tween when you put me in proximity to an orchestra pit. I love the drama and the theatrics. Theatre is proof that God or Jebus or whoever wants me to be a total ham and that I am actually not annoying to others.

c.) 9 times out of 10 I judge a song or singer strictly by their vocals. What occasionally makes me the target of sporadic hipster ire is that I will orate my respect for nearly anyone who can sing a solid vocal regardless of their popularity at frat mixers and/or a 12-yr-old girl's slumber party. For this reason I have respect for the Beyonces, Christina Aguileras and Mariah Careys of the world because they have raw natural talent.

d.) ...as such I must confess: I CAN'T STOP WATCHING GLEE! AHHH$%^&*@#$!!!!

I need to accept the truth that nothing about my affinity for show tunes and covers of Top 40 hits by Broadway stars makes me a badass.

Annnnnnnnnd now all my friends whose bands are listed on The Deli officially disowned me. Fanfuckingtastic. Thanks again, FOX. Dicks.....

Werewolf Weekday

Things that are overhyped: Vampires and Vampire Weekend.

Things that deserve to be overhyped: Vampire Weekend.

Facts about the aforementioned:
1. If one more network comes out with their version of a supernatural beings show I am going to go all Sissy Spacek on the entire fucking universe, no joke.

2. True Blood not included.

3. Hipsters are all over Vampire Weekend's 2nd album Contra like blue on Crypts. And I can't say I blame them. It's easy to eff up a sophomore album by overly modifying your recipe (cough cough Flash Delirium cough sneeze hack 'Thanks for the hankie.') I think I like the former because it reminds me of a slightly-more-playful, 40-minute extended version of "Diamonds on the Soles of her Shoes." with less third world abodiginals....

Like Captain Planet. But better...

SO I get that to understand and appreciate SUPER GROUPS you have to have an inert sense of music snobbery. This is mostly to be able to identify and freak out screaming over what bands the other members of the super group are from.... Sorry, SUPER GROUP....

And to have an inert sense of music snobbery you have to sometimes sit in or around a beanbag chair with holes ripped in it while smoking a hookah and/or think about enrolling in art school and/or already have graduated from art school.

If this doesn't describe you, there might be some basic questions floating in your head:

What is a SUPER GROUP?
CAN I JOIN A SUPER GROUP?

The answers are Shut up. And also, No, unless this is Springsteen and Ringo sitting in a room reading this together, in which case please return my voicemails about the SUPER GROUP...

Arguably the best of this new musical trend is Them Crooked Vultures. Josh Homme (decently awesome but not worth Biebering over), Dave Grohl (totally awesome. I loved you at first Mentos) and John Paul Jones (are you shitting me???).

Open letter to Dave Grohl, if you're the one in charge, please come to Philly and play a show in my apt. Or anywhere near where I live. I make really good spinach artichoke dip you have to like that.... Anyways this song is my favesies. Ugh it's like those crooked ass vultures know that 80% of the time all I wanna do is have my mind erased. Preferably at the Gingerbread Man in Happy Valley or at Calamari's in Erie, PA.

Fancy Footwork.

Things that are funny about Chromeo:

1. They are Canadian
2. They are the self-proclaimed "only successful Arab/Jewish partnership since the dawn of human culture."
3. Their first album was compared to Hall & Oates
4. I like Chromeo and Hall & Oates
5. They were on an episode of Live from Daryl's House once (FWD to 3:50 for the beginning of the actual song)



 THEY WERE ON YO GABBA GABBA! FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!




(Annnnd they totally played that song when I saw them live and it ruled.)

Anyways --'double although' -- I am even less likely to label them hipster shit because they have been sent out on the BEATS list serv that I have with my boys who are very STRUNG, very non-hipster, Penn State frat boys who I helped buy matching Puma sneakers. Here are a few favesies:








Triple extra points for The Eagles cover <3

Pass me the purple drannnkkkkkk

Pass me the damn sizzurp because Weezy Is Freeeee!!!

No seriously give me the sizzurp. Because if it's good enough for Wayne it's good enough for me. I had to drink that shit when I broke my jaw in high school and it's not that bad. And pass some crawdads too while you're at it... Crawdads and Sizzurp. Shorty......

So not gonna lie, the borderline hipster in me HATES autotune, but the 6th grader in me loved the Hot Boy$/Ca$h Money Millionaires/Big Tymers. And still does.

Dead serious. Woooooah-daaaay.

But in further all seriousness, Weezy, like Nicki and Drake, has some of the most creative lines in the rap game right now and his new shit "I am not a human being" (new shit, new shit 0-'10) is straight 80's throwback:



And don't say that Weezy "isn't a rapper and that he just gets drunk and high and talks" because that's actually what I do in my friends' basements. So you just have us confused. It happens.





Now seriously... where is my sizzurp?

"We're a Rock N Roll Band"

Grace Potter had me at "We're a rock and roll band." Truest statement ever.

I'm only labeling GPN as hipster shit bc not enough people know about them. I'm also labeling them as non hipster shit because more people should know about them. They are my favorite band at this exact moment. And I realize and accept the full boldness of this statement. You can fucking notarize it. Grace has the most brilliant vocals I have ever heard and I read about her in Rolling Stone and she is my idol and if I met her I would cry. For real. I like GPN more than anyone other band at this exact space and time in this world and I can't believe I didn't write about them first.

This is gonna be a long post mmk?





If every hair on your arm doesn't stand up from the 2:50 mark until the end of this next song, you're an idiot and I hate you.


3:28.....serial.